I WANNA FUCKING TEAR YOU APART

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 14:09:14 GMT

On Friday I discovered the crack that is Facebook. Fuck, that's the stupidest thing and yet i can't not sit and stare at it everyday. Anyways, I'm dating this guy now and I must say it is the fastest moving and bestest relationship i've ever been in. I can't express via internet how fucking fantastic it is .. i've been up since 7am gah
taraout.

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 20:02:06 GMT

umm
Yeah Life!
LOVES IT.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 05:25:21 GMT

so i'm house sitting this week for my parents, well, I'm Molly watching technically. I can't figure out the dvd player, my old room has a twin bed and its freezing, I as well can't figure out how to turn off the airconditioning. What i am getting at is that i am in the den about to go to sleep on the couch watching my before bed dvd on a laptop in a freezing house. It's normally not bad being here alone but the house seems extra big and empty this time. After taking her out for her last bathroom break for the night i discovered not a single house on the street has their lights on. this is a cheap horror movie waiting to happen.
it is probably time to try and fall asleep..
today was interesting . i'm alright .

I die without you

Sat, 19 May 2007 05:09:34 GMT

Ugh, so I decided to weigh myself for the first time tonight.. totally not what I expected...probably not a good idea. I am in the healthy catagory for my height which is good. But for some reason I was expecting by this point to be better than what i am. Whatever it's one of my least worries or it should be at this "stage" i'm at.

I'm sick of money, my job, school, and men. I suppose it's nothing new, but I feel a storm brewing.
complain, complain, complain.

Thu, 17 May 2007 01:57:22 GMT

Each day at work is getting worse and worse. I go in super positive and in a good mood, then usually within the first hour i want to flip out. I think I might really be starting to hate my job. It's not even the job that I do not like doing, its the clients, it has to be. I'm torn cause i'm only 2/8 courses to being able to work in HR but I don't know how i can wait thta long. what i am really waiting for is something at our head office and get away from what I currently do. I did get to dress up as a cowgirl today so that was alright, and one of the few "hard" workers quit so meh i'm not even going to think about it right now, all i know is that this is not what i love, therefore not what i will be doing for the rest of my life.
I did find a Dairy Queen that can do the cake thing, looks like the girl i talked to knew nothing. i did call 5 other dairy queens and they all said different things. I am pretty excited to see how it turns out. The things i ordered for Mum for Mother's day are still not in and her birthday is on Friday so i have to start thinking of back up gifts..I have no clue.
This weekend i'm suppose to go camping sat and sun night with a girfriend, her fiance and a ton of his friends. Now i dont even have a tent so i 'm kinda hesitant about it, plus i have homework due on Tuesday that I have been putting off all week.. I'm overwelmed, tomorrow i am off but i have ten million and one things to do and all i really want to do is be in my pj's all day. Also i have been looking for my Seinfeld dvd all night i have the case but no dvd, i've looked everywhere for this thing and its annoying that it is gone.
I know this is like ten million thoughts and little to none order or proper grammer but i have a ton of thoughts and i just need to spit them out.
Maybe i've been evaluating my life too much. I am unhappy with it right now I'm not exactly happy with work, scared about school, frustrated with Scott, my cat's been really aggressive, my time seems to be going faster than i can keep up with, I feel lonely, I feel like nothing that i have worked for is paying off yet, and i work so hard to have the things that i want. i am not being as disiplined with my diet and havent gone down a full size in a long time it seems, and Gilmore Girls is over, america's next top model ended tonight, my rent is going up starting june, i'm not sleeping very much, and i feel like i'm not doing something right. I should be married, have a job with a nice title, a house, a puppy, and be satisfied.
whatever, don't listen to me i'm just in that waiting phase where who knows any day now something can change. i bought a lottery ticket maybe i'll win then i will at least have the house and the puppy.
I feel i'm meant to be alone..
oh hey! my pick for american idol made it to the finale! score! if Jordin wins i win 50$ it's no house but it'll buy me a manicure.

taraout.

Sun, 13 May 2007 21:33:36 GMT

So I need an icecream cake with a photograph on it. Dairy Queen doesn't do this. I found from the internet that Eiffel Tower does picture cakes but they don't have ice cream cakes. Would Safeway do this? i'm pretty sure they do piciture cakes and they have ice cream cakes... as if nobody in Winnipeg can do this.. it is frustrating.

Monday

Tue, 08 May 2007 05:09:39 GMT

Flat tire #3 in one month. this time, it was a nail.
"the life support machine called" the tv made me write that.
Anyways, because i'm made of a ton of discretionary income, this was no big deal .. I was a bit angry. What solves these types of set backs? Shopping.
It started off at Walmart, what i really wanted was a hand held Deal or no Deal game which i saw at Target. There was one at Walmart but it had stuff sticking out of it. I believe it was suppose to be hand held but it was not what i wanted. I ended up with a black little hoody with 3/4 sleeves and a pair of white heels for Kims wedding.. Then because I did not get what I wanted I headed to Old Navy and ended up spending twice what the tire cost me. I feel many things right now, but mostly satisfied. I got a hot dress, bermuda jean shorts (which a month ago I pleasently discovered I can pull off) and a bunch of other things.
One wisdom tooth is coming in and it hurts like a bitch. Its a good thing people don't remember being small and teething 'cause man, i can't imagine all teeth coming in at once.

I don't know how this will sound when read, but I was lying on the couch in like a t-shirt and my underwear and I was laughing at how close my skin is to the pink my underwear was. Still, not enough to make me want to tan. It wasn't hot pink if that makes it any better.
all in all i am super happy to be alive.

taraout.

Thu, 03 May 2007 21:02:21 GMT

Ok where to start. I know. My cute Roxy flip flops gave me mad blisters today. Gilmore Girls is officially cancelled. Only two episodes left (there is no time for acceptance). I started my assignment due Monday and realized its a ton of work.
I'm still in a decent mood. Today I am doing well for handling let downs.
Anyways that is all. Oh my weird laughing sex thing is done. Everything's turning up Milhouse

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 03:51:43 GMT

Someone I work with told me I'm looking more British everyday. Now I clarified that it was not because I have bad teeth or anuthing it is more my style and red hair and pasty skin (although she was more diplomatic about it).

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 04:16:37 GMT

So excited. Oh my God, I have a date tomorrow with Kels who I have not seen for maybe 2 years. Man its' going to be so fun I'm seriously going to have a hard time sleeping I'm so excited. And now i have all this excitement watch it'll be like super boring and uneventful, well no not at all.
And prior to that I have a dinner thing with Christa and Dani who I have not seen in ages, I really don't know why it is so far between when I get together with my long lost fun friends. I seriously feel such a high afterwards that it reminds me of how fun life can be.
On a totally different note I've been having this problem during sex. Really I don't know how much of a problem it is, but its getting annoying. Basically the last two times I couldn't stop laughing, not in a "this is lame" kinda way but a "i can't focus on the task at hand" way. Its like I know its good and I know what i'm doing but when it comes down to it i start thinking of all the funny stuff that happend that day or telling jokes and gay stuff like that. eventually it gets better but basically it's annoying, mostly for the other person. Then afterwards I feel useless and like scared that he'll never want to do it again (which obviously won't happen) But I really feel guilty for providing nothing during the process. What do I do? could it be a phase? like a stupid immature phase? well no that sounds stupid. Maybe I need to have sexy music on instead of hard rock music, or candles and stuff.. I can't even believe that its happened twice now. I need to take sex more seriously, Help!
Its like a super dirty dear abby or something.

The shopping carts at Target are made to hurt people. i have this huge gross bruise on my shin cause everytime i walked i'd kick the under the cart shelf thingy. those carts are such a bitch i might write a letter

am thirsty

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 06:03:19 GMT

Went over to Viv's tonight for some good old times of drinking wine and bitching about work. It felt nice. Left the phone in my appartment so there was nothing to do but talk and drink.
Now only half a bottle of wine later I feel happy, honestly its prolly just cause i have the next two days off
I bought tulips yeaterday and man do these guys suck up water, thismorning i got up and one was all dead already and the vaise was empty. they are now all alive and full of water and looking pretty but it is taking effort that i do not like giving.
I don't even know what i'm going to do tomorrow.. watch tv all day is probably what it will be. maybe maaaybe i'll go over to mum's to make these muffins i've been looking at just because she has the ingrediants, but realistacally i'll probably stay in jammies all day and watch judge mathis.

am happy drunk
taraout.

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 02:02:14 GMT

It looks so romantic outside with all the fog, i LOVE it. This is the type of scenario I want to be purposed in, like a romantic walk in the fog to some unknown park or who would know because it would be so foggy, and the ring would be the only thing i'd see.. hmm well that sound sort of dumb. I really want to go for a walk I have way too much energy right now, but i'm scared to go alone in fear of getting lost and i am not even trying to be funny i get losed way to easily and put this fog into the mix i'd end up in the North End.
I had to get two new tires this weekend as I overinflated them. Yes, I put air in them without checking with the tire stick. it was one of those things that i knew but figured i could eye it out, and nope, i couldn't. it was a good waste of time and money.
I had the flu, or something shitty on thursday so i came home from work early and havent been since thursday afternoon, it just feels like a waste of life not doing anything important. Like, I can relax and stuff but it just seems so boring, i did watch season one of Laugna Beach and i swore i'd never watch that but i just had the urge... it was pretty horrible, so horrible that i'm in the middle of downloading season two.. just cause i want to know what happens with Stephen and stupid Kristin.
In the love life department things are interesting. I met this new boy at the social last week and he's been calling and stuff and its not that i'm avoiding him but we haven't actually spoken yet.. anyways lyns and ron are really sure this will work out but because he's their friend i 'm scared to involve him in my shit right now. BUT i want to see if it would work.. so i'm kinda unsure where the line is with the other man. The way I am choosing to see it is, he is still not able to "invest" in me, and as much as he says he loves me and shit, i won't beleive it till there's change and as of yet there is none. The only thing is who knows and if i'm dating someone else it will for sure mess things up there. Well ok, i have no idea what i'm going to do yet. I just want to be with someone who makes me laugh, and someone i can talk to about anything, and someone who has no baggage and can just be with me.. why is this so hard? why do i have bits of this with different men?
meh, its probably something that will get to the point of me fucking up everything and then being alone and back to square one, which honestly might be the best idea.

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 03:01:10 GMT

So much is happening right now i'm stressed a bit.
The social was awesome this weekend, I'm pretty sure Lyndsay was happy with it.
Oh I finally found a doctor! i have no idea if its a man or a woman it is pretty random but i dont actually care.
thats all i feel like saying i guess.. I have a new favorite show called "underage and engaged" its on mtv and its awesome.
the stupid cat is attacking me, i'm out.

how much can I say without actually spilling

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 01:25:28 GMT

I pulled a lindsay lohan 4 times today. For fucks sake, I wore a skirt and yep didnt wear underwear. Probably because I have this fantasy of being screwed in a rush with the skirt lifted up (a la movie style).
Oh an american idol is about to sing god bless the child. *please don't butcher it*
On the american idol subject i had to organize the pool thing at work today, and man i really spent a good half of the day just because i'd draw the names and then someone would be like "oh i forgot let me in" this happend 4 times than people didnt want to pick cause they didnt know who to pick and jesus it was annoying.
I made egg whites for dinner and as they were half cooked i remembered my mum doing something with milk so i thought maybe i should add milk. well adding milk to scrambled egg whites is not the best idea. It turned out not too bad, but it stunk.
Things in the man department are pretty great. I'm pretty sure that things are the way they are suppose to be. I feel good about it and my heart is happy.

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 04:21:34 GMT

Today my boss told me I was like a little, lost puppy.
I'm not lost, i'm right here.

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 03:12:39 GMT

I really, really have the need to do something right now. Something exciting.
It's the sudden need to do something random. I am willing to do anything just get me out of here.

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 04:09:08 GMT

The one common problem in my life is me. it's unreal.
I need to feel happiness for more than a few minutes. Right now I feel my brusied arm from the tattoo at least its something right. feeling pain is better then feeling nothing i think.

fuck off, because i dont care about pleasing anyone right now.
I dont know that i'm actually this angry just been a fucked up last couple of months.
I miss what sex feels like.
whatever. i'm going to watch Ugly Betty, maybe i'll be more normal in the morning.
This is what the night does to me, all the ugly truths come out.

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:36:54 GMT

I secretly want to be with someone who tells me what to do. It's probably not as weird as it sounds.
I have the urge to slowly spill my secrets.
Getting the tattoo was very eventful, maybe some other time I'll explain, or maybe never. But I needed a nap when I got home like i've never needed a nap before.
My new goal is to do something everyday that scares me. It's part of the Changing Tara Project.
Last night the plow guys were out beeping non stop for two hours, its like they went over the same spot non stop. Tonight, they are back but this time they are like grinding the thing on the cement, its horrible.

I am not smarter than a 5th grader

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 04:26:30 GMT

The pictures were resized but it still wont upload them, so maybe it's not my crappy computer skills, it could be crappy livejournal. So without proof, and shortly put; there was a cake thing at work, my cake was lime green, hot pink, and purple with tons of chocolate and mint and various things. it looked like playdoh. It was fun to make (not that i made it, just decorated it)
It's seriously a better story with the visual to go along. and it looked pretty retarded, and it didnt win. Oh, it was a contest thing, that would make more sense.

Tomorrow I have my tattoo appt, and i'm nearly peeing my pants i'm so anxious about it. Not even second guessing, but terrified of the pain and that is for sure part of the attraction of getting tattoos

Need to be distracted, kinda panicking..

taraout.

She said her name was Tara Jean, as she caused a scene

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 05:49:28 GMT

how the fuck can i make a picture smaller. i tried everything i want to load it here and nothing works. this is making me sooooooo angry! normally i can figure this out but 2 hours later, and i'm so frustrated.
I tried adobe and it wont work i downloaded some picaso shit that didnt work. i have pictures from my camera that i want to upload here and why the fuck can't i
*am editing*
I was listenting to a song called Hide and Seek. in no way is it about the game, but it made me want to play a serious game of hide and seek.
Am less angry, and once somebody makes my pictures smaller for me i'll have a much better entry. Tomorrow feels like it should be important, don't know why.
I will try a bit harder to quit smoking, and tomorrow I will get the patch. Considering not being able to make smaller pictures while smoking made me so pissed off fingers are crossed that nothing brutal happens when not smoking.
*last edit*
This is kind of weird:

Usually:Quick-witted, curious, entertaining and open-minded.

Can be:Fickle, easily distracted, nervous and mischievous

thats about right.

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 03:00:42 GMT

There was a dude sleeping in the hallway when I got in this morning.
I ditched my plans for tonight and I decided to grocery shop, clean, work out and be lazy. It sounded like a good idea, now it's nearly 9 and I'm bored. Lucky Number Sleven is on, I should have bought a dvd player today. I can't stop being dehydrated lately. Maybe something exciting will happen tonight.
um, thats it.
taraout.

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 02:49:47 GMT

Twice in the last two days I have been compaired to Britney Spears. Now thinking about this I have concluded that the two people who "pointed this out" were perhaps trying to be funny, or even trying to be topical.
In a whole new topic, I have my tattoo appointment next Wednesday and yep I'm excited but a tad scared cause its a real sensitive area. Also need to find someone to make me go through with it early Wednesday morning, well not early but work time for sure.
I called my ex this week, went on a date with a man far too old for me (think tom cruise and katie holmes older), tried to quit smoking, read two books in one day, cleand my whole apartment, and finally did 20 pushups in a row.
The only thing positive in all that is probably the cleaning and the pushups. I can't stop. The ex thing I think was because i've been feeling pretty low about myself lately, and even tho he's done nothing but hurt me I thought maybe he could make me feel better, but shhh cause i'll be forced into an intervention if my friends find out. I just had to admit it somewhere.
I feel pretty crappy with the way things are going, not that its bad but that I can't control all the things that have been happening scare me into thinking i'll take what i can get. Make sense? no, I didn't think so. my mind has been like a mad snow storm lately.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 20:34:56 GMT

I had one of those nights where the next day you're like "shit, did that really happen"
it's been months since i've had a night like that. And now I remember why.
Must find the energy to go grocery shopping as i have nothing other than V-8 and strawberry candy's. Oh wouldn't it be awesome if apartment buildings had Subways in the lobby, then you could just wander down in pjs or a towel for your meals, no cooking, no cleaning, no clothes? and good food. Best. Idea. Ever.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 06:11:16 GMT

I can't stop having flashbacks of 4 years ago. It's driving me crazy. I don't want this in my head it's causing a headach, and anxiety like mad.
I sat and stared at the wall for nearly an hour tonight thinking about things and it didn't do anything but encourage more flashback's and memories to resurface. Now it's a given i'm going to dream about that stuff. Fuck.

Get out of my head.

Quick, the building is on fire, grab the drugs! we'll come back for the kids!

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 06:11:18 GMT

Good times Friday night!
all of a sudden the fire alarm goes off (around 11pm)and not the one just in my suite, but the building. so I don't like those panic situations because I never to the "right" thing.
I look through my peep hole to see if other people are leaving and i couldn't tell, so I call Viv (who lives down the hall) and of course of all nights she is sleeping at her parents because she did not know we had water again, and anyways she always panic's worse than me so i should have known better than to call her. She's all like, "yeah go outside you dumb ass" So slowly I decided she may be right. Now you know how people are always like what three things would you grab if there was a fire? That is the most STUPID question ever because really you dont know until it happens, and i'm not trying to make this sound any better but its true.
So i put on socks and pants and a hoodie, search for my gloves and jacket and keys, then go grab my smokes, tylenol and cell phone.
In my head i was convinced that if in fact there was a fire I would come back for my cat. Whatever, so I go downstairs and there happen to be lots of people with their cats so yes i felt guilty but just kept my mouth shut that I even had one, in fear of been deemed the "selfish", or "horrible" person in the building.
Now i'm trying to wind down again, unfortunatly I am over ridden with guilt and he keeps looking at me with sad little eyes. He totally knows what I did.

Really I am pretty convinced that it was not so bad. I was trying to be practical, forget photo albums, and memories I apparently needed cigarettes, and tylenol